Rain Cloud

These last few weeks have been tough. I feel as though a little rain cloud follows me around, casting shadows over daily life.

I'm certain some of it is tied to coming to the end of a long and painful pregnancy. I feel so ready to get my body back and begin to feel somewhat "normal" again. However, though I'm sick of being pregnant, I'm also terrified of the arrival of this little one and what it will mean for our family.

McKay has been going through a really difficult time lately. He has always been incredibly head-strong and strong-willed. He HATES to be made to do anything or to feel like he doesn't have a choice.

McKay is also a wonderful child. He is smart, creative, kind (when he wants to be), and sensitive. He thinks and feels deeply. Most of the time we see this side of McKay but lately he has decided he doesn't want to go to school and has been waging war on me.

It honestly feels that way. His issues are beginning to give me issues. Seriously. I feel like I can't shake this feeling of impending doom for when the baby arrives because he has become so out of control many mornings.

 BJ goes to work at 7AM so it's just me and the three kids. When everyone's well-behaved it's still a challenge to get McKay ready for school and help the other kids get breakfast, dressed, pottied, and feeling happy. Adding a newborn to that scenario stresses me out. I know I'll be exhausted from up-all-nights with the baby plus the ever-present needs of newborns to eat and be changed at unexpected intervals all while trying to manage the morning chaos.  

So, the previous scenario would be hard enough. But, we're way past that kind of scenario now. Currently McKay fights me about half the mornings each week insisting that he doesn't want to go to school. It starts with him informing me that he's not going. When I calmly respond that he is going he continues to complain for a while and then eventually works himself into a full on fit. Once he gets this way it's as if there is no more holding back. A switch flips somewhere inside him. He says words he shouldn't, he talks back to me, he screams at me and the other children. When put in his room he throws things and hits his door with things. He even tries to hurt me.

Cue the wide eyes and head shakes. The "You just need to be harder on him" or "Sounds like he needs a good spanking" "Have you taken him to a therapist?" "Do you think he needs medication?"

The truth is, I don't know what he needs and it kills me. I don't lose my temper with him. When I have in the past I see that it only feeds his fire. I speak calmly to him and never give in to letting him stay home. I don't let him walk all over me. He has had days of extra jobs after school, pepper on his tongue when he talks back, and privileges taken away. He's been put in time-out and grounded from friends, even spanked but nothing seems to help him.

Each day that he's thrown this fit I've ended up physically dragging him to the car, usually half-dressed because he won't get dressed. He's kicking and screaming all the way to the car and often screams all the way to the school. Once we arrive at the school he begins to cry, realizing that he's not going to get out of it. He often refuses to get dressed, even as we sit in the school parking lot. It usually takes between 10-20 minutes before he gets his clothes on. Most of the time I actually have to climb to the back seat and drag him out to make him go.

This whole mess is unbelievable. It is emotionally exhausting. I feel completely defeated and depressed every time I leave my 6-year-old at school in such a state. It is physically draining to have to fight him and drag him around as I'm now 9 months pregnant. But worst of all, it makes my heart absolutely ache to see the child I love so very much tearing himself to pieces. He is so miserable. Try as I might to explain that these consequences are just the natural results of his choices, he doesn't see that. He backs himself into a corner but won't back down. He puts himself through a horrible torture and it's totally self-inflicted. It's just awful to watch as a parent who loves him and wants more than anything for him to be happy.

And it leaves me feeling rather hopeless and very fearful of the coming addition to our family. How can I possibly care for all of these little ones when the oldest is making it so difficult? I can hardly wrap my mind around it.

As it stands, I've met with the school counselor, as has McKay, and she is trying to help us help him. Unfortunately so far the ideas haven't really worked. When I took him to a special dinner, just the two of us, and presented the new system the counselor suggested he just looked at me and said matter-of-factly, "This is never going to work, Mom. I just don't want to go to school." What he just won't accept is that attending school is not a choice he has to make.

I'm reading a few books, "1,2,3 Magic" and "You Can't Make Me: But I Can Be Persuaded" but so far I feel we're doing many of the things the books suggest yet  he is still not responding.

McKay is not a monster. He is a wonderful, bright, sensitive, kind, thoughtful, smart boy but he is also incredibly difficult sometimes. He never acts out at school, thank goodness, but these battles at home are becoming more than I can bear. It brings such a dark spirit into our home that affects us all. And I can't help but feel depressed about the extent of his pain and disobedience and my inability to solve the problem.

So, I wear a little rain cloud over my head. May it lift before this little girl arrives.