"You Can't Make Me (But I Can Be Persuaded)"

As a follow-up to the last post, I want to document some of what I'm learning as the parent of a strong-willed child. McKay has always been strong-willed. His little spirit came that way. As a baby he wouldn't ever fall asleep in public. He was too stubborn to lay his head down and let the world go on without him. As a 3-4-year-old he would throw huge crying fits and would have to be locked in his room until he finally calmed down. Now, as a 6-year-old we're dealing with this defiance related to attending school. I suppose he'll always be a challenging personality because of his strong-willed nature. 

But, there is an up-side to this kind of personality. My dad has always said, "He's going to be a wonderful adult! The qualities that are so difficult now will make for a strong, determined, creative, and successful adult. You just have to stick with it and help him get on the right path." That's certainly the trick, isn't it? Having the patience and strength to get him on the right path is no small thing. Yet I love this child so much and I see such incredible potential in him. When he chooses to behave, which is a significant amount of his life, he is delightful. The love I have for him gives me the courage and strength to keep searching for ways to help him.

I picked up a book the other day that seemed to describe McKay well. It's called "You Can't Make Me (But I Can Be Persuaded): Strategies for Bringing Out the Best in Your Strong-Willed Child by Cynthia Tobias. It's been a facinating read because she is a self-declared strong-willed child and raised a strong-willed child. She writes often from the perspective of the SWC and gives some valuable insights into how they view the world and how to work with their personality, not smother it. She also offered some small practices that help in dealing with SWC. I found the following to be especially helpful for our particular situation:

Turning Conflict Into Cooperation

• Choose You Battles-Decide which battles are actually worth going to the wall for--and go to the wall for them. One of our bad mornings was based around an argument about his outfit. It was 30 degrees outside and he wanted to wear shorts. I told him "No" that I didn't want him to catch pneumonia. We both chose our sides and neither would back down. I felt as the parent that I had to win once I had made an ultimatum and he, the SWC, was not going to be told he couldn't do what he wanted.  I have realized, I really do have to pick my battles, even to the point that I let him wear whatever he wants, matching or not, and let him deal with the consequences. It's tough to swallow my pride and let my child walk into school in shorts and a mismatched shirt or wearing his dad's XL sweatshirt, but, as Tobias says, "Will it matter in a year"? Probably not.

• Lighten Up, but Don't Let Up- Don't let your SWC get by with bad behavior; however, humor will often catch him off guard and may disarm him. Best of all, it can offer a "fire-escape-and opportunity to pull back gracefully and cooperate. Simply say, "Nice try." Then smile and stop talking. She goes on to explain that either he'll back down or he'll dig in his heels but at least you've given him the chance to save face. If you immediately go on the attack it will reinforce his resistance but trying to use humor you might defuse the situation.

• Ask More Questions; issue fewer orders-If you want an SWC to do something, asking a question that assumes the best in us almost always results in us moving toward what you want us to do. 

• Ask: "Do you know why I asked for that"? Most SWC's will tell you they don't have to agree with your reasons for doing something-they just want you to have some. No deep explanations, we just want to know one thing: What's the big deal? I've been finding this very useful. Instead of issuing edicts, if I help McKay know why I'm asking him to do something, he's much more likely to do it. I can almost see him realizing that instead of bossing him around I'm showing him respect and he responds respectfully in turn.

• Say the Magic Word: Okay-The word okay can work miracles because it helps the parent maintain authority while still sharing a portion of control. Asking, "Okay?" lets an SWC know that you realize he does have a choice. Remember to keep your voice firm and in control. Also, you're not asking your SWC for permission. You're simply acknowledging that he always has a choice-either to obey or face the consequences. I've found it's much more effective when I say to McKay, "Grab your backpack, okay?" than just "Grab your backpack". It seems completely ridiculous but somehow that "okay?" question gives McKay a feeling of power. To him it's me asking instead of me telling and that seems to make a big difference! During a few of our fights prior to reading this book he would cry and yell, "Why do you have to be the boss?" or "You always boss me around!" Somehow the work "okay" makes him feel empowered, not bossed.

• Hand out more tickets; give fewer warnings- In this section, Tobias explains her experience in the police force. During training they were instructed that when they pulled someone over they were either to give a warning or a ticket. If a warning was issued, the officer could give a lecture as well. However, if a ticket were issued, no lecture was allowed. Just deal out the punishment and move on. She explains that most SWC's would rather just take the ticket. The point is, you communicate your authority by holding on to the bottom-line accountability. Less talk, more action but always staying calm and firm.

• Make sure your SWC always knows your love is unconditional To me, this seems like the work that is done all the rest of the time. I believe McKay knows I love him but I've been trying to make more concerted efforts to really tell him. Giving him a huge, telling him I'm happy to see him when he comes home from school, praising his good behavior and mature choices, and looking him right in the eye and saying, "I love you, McKay" so that no matter what happens in those ugly moments, he won't doubt my love. Sometimes in his rage he says, "You don't love me! Nobody loves me!" I believe that's his 6-year-old self knowing he's not acting very lovable--a guilty response to his own behavior. But, just to be sure he never wonders, I'm trying to show extra love.

• Helping him want to go- Tobias shares a scenario about a SWC who didn't want to go to church and how the parents worked through it. It's a similar situation to McKay's school issue and I found it helpful. Here's a brief summary: 

Kelsey: I'm not going to church anymore. 

Dad (in a calm voice): Why? 

Kelsey: It's boring and I'm tired of it. 

Dad: We all get a bit tired of routine sometimes but the point of going to church is to learn more about God. What do you think would motivate you to want to go to church again? 

Kelsey: I don't know. 

Dad: How about going to church today and instead of listening your write notes about how you think it could be more interesting. You might be able to give some great suggestions for making church better for everyone. 

Kelsey: Do you know where I could find a paper and pen? 

Try to find out why your SWC doesn't want to go-but not impatiently. When you ask why, your SWC ma not know or be able to put his feelings into words. Try asking things like, "What would motivate you to want to go? or "What do you think the point of going to school should be? Make a concerted effort to listen to their responses. Their answers will almost certainly reveal more than you anticipate. Your SWC needs to feel he has input. The more you can involve your SWC in coming up with the solution, the better your chances of avoiding the problem.